Life lessons learned the hard way

It takes two to tango. And Jimmy does not want to dance with me at all anymore. That hurts because I loved our dancing so very much. I've hated sitting here analyzing our dance and all our steps, but it's been helpful to be reflective and meditative. We both have done a lot of things to hurt each other with all the fighting and mean words. But I cannot worry about the things he's done. All I can do is recognize what I've done and resolve to make myself better and move on with life, being the best mom I can be for Isaac. I've gone through a million emotions including hurt, anger, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, and outrage. But at this point, I am done being angry. That emotion eats up too much of my Spirit but it is the one emotion I can choose to do without. While I feel his choices have been unfair, at the same time it would be completely unfair and mean of me  to force him to work on a relationship that he's emotionally detached himself from. Looking back on things, I can see why he would feel the way he does and why he would lose all hope of us being a couple. And I don't blame him. And I don't blame me. We just grew apart. And while I feel like I've lost everything...I have NOT. I still have blessings to count and people that love me and God. I still love Jimmy very much. And because I love him, I'm learning that I can't control him. That all I can do is give him what he needs for once and back off. Love has no boundaries and I will not let Satan come between a good friendship and parenting partnership. I already let it get to my marriage.

And so here are some of my goals for the present and future. Get a job. Get a place of my own. Finish my school. Make a good life for me and my son. Return to church to rebuild my relationship with God because I did forget Him and I did deny Him for a good long while. Become temple worthy and visit the temple to pray. And find the true inner happiness that I've gone without for the past three years. I've denied long enough what I know to be true. I've denied long enough my membership in the church. It is time to rebuild my foundation and become the loving Christian I know I once was. I am a daughter of God and despite all that has happened, He still loves me and still calls to me. This time I am heeding to his call and returning to the fold.

Jimmy, I still love you and hope the very best for you. You will always be my first love and I will always have a special place for you in my heart especially because you are the father of my wonderful, spectacular son. I hope someday you find God and know that He loves you and can love you more and better than I could. I regret things didn't work out between us but it's for the best, my dear. Thank you for the good times and thank you for trying to love me. Be happy...our son is watching.