Devastated

It's all hitting me hard right now! Really hard. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and I can't put it back the way it was...it just keeps breaking!!! It's just killing me on the inside. I know I have to keep going but the night! The night tortures me. Every part in my body just hurts. Every emotion so devastating. anguish. anger. at him. at me. at everything. confusion. hurt. so so so so much hurt. i think i threw up my heart. i gave him the worst part of me. but i gave him the best part of me too. and the best part wasn't good enough. every time i look at isaac i weep and weep and weep. i'm starting to weep dry tears if there is such a thing. oh how i wish i could change it all from the moment it went sour. sadly, we can't turn back the hands of time.

i am weak. i came back tonight. i got down on my knees and as a last resort begged him. i begged him. begged him to find it somewhere in his heart to love me again. he said no. and kept saying no. just like that. just like that without even giving me a real chance, he says no. so abruptly. so suddenly. and then he held me and said that i was going to be okay. and i cried at the hopelessness in his voice. i cried and got angry that despite all this hurt i can't just erase him from my life much less my mind. he is still isaac's dad. i still will have to see him. he will still be in my life because despite it all he is a good dad. and that is gonna make it hurt ten times worse. he wants to stay friends. and we will have to. but i wanna punch him. i wanna gouge his eyes out. i wanna kick him in the nuts and make him hurt.

aaahhh..the pain. it could almost kill. i know u will and i know i don't have to ask..but i'm in a pleading mood. please plead to the LORD to keep me strong. send me an extra batch of resilience. and some form of happiness. GOD this sucks major !@#!