Of course he's going to try my patience =]
Lil Man's first X-mas ornament
When the lights are on
that ridiculous topper took forever
but I will have to do it again...
another look with the lights on
"The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold
This book was recommended by a friend (thank you, Rhaissa), and I was excited to read it because everything my good friend recommends turns out to be something I end up LOVING! I was waiting for our next payday to purchase it, but my lovely husband found it on his own and brought it home to me. Isn't that sweet? I love that thoughtful, loving man!
I started reading it Saturday and the very first chapter hooked me in a very peculiar way. I was sickened to a degree that became too real for me...I literally had to stop and vomit in my kitchen sink. Sebold was not particularly graphic but the feelings emanated from this book so strongly, that I could not help but remember dark things long suppressed by my will to persevere through hard times in my life. I had to put the book away from me for a couple of hours so that wave of nausea could pass. Once I recovered well enough, I answered the beckoning of that book to FINISH ME.
And it reminded me of the movie "What Dreams May Come," which I have tucked away in the back of my entertainment center. It was certainly an abstract piece but in the book, I found a piece of reality in how the family fell apart and broke down after loosing a loved one. How in trying to get away from the darkness, sometimes we find that we are only pushing ourselves toward and into the darkness, drowning in the chaos and pushing the living away as we move with the dead, trying to discover where they might be; how life could be different if only they were with us. It was somewhat like reading a Picasso, with the distortions and almost transcendental illusions to Heaven, death, mystery. The possibilities. It was all just mesmerizing. Like a daydream.
The reason I enjoyed and loved the book was the simple fact that in the end it was REAL. Not every mystery is solved. Not everyone gets "justice" or what they deem to be justice. It was people discovering what it is to be human...what it is to live in the flesh. In this life, we will never have ALL the answers. We won't know all the why's and what if's. I felt I could relate to the characters in this book like no other characters in any book I've read thus far. Those real thoughts of "why Dallace and not me...or those damned stupid so-called friends." Everything we do, Dallace is a shadow...our thoughts turn to him. Holidays. Anniversaries. Homecomings. We are forced to grow up faster than our years here on Earth. We always look back. We tiptoe around the eggshells our loved one has left behind. We hold on to things that belonged to him and curl up in his old clothes or bring out that photo where the light was brilliant in his eyes. I could relate to Abigail Salmon...I wanted to run away. Find new life. Ignore the facts. Ignore the reality.
In the end, it's not about the justice and the revenge. It's life lessons learned. Gold being refined. Before gold is that brilliant yellow jewel...it is first a big, ugly, ordinary looking rock. It has to be melted, put through extreme heat, shaped, bent, molded, and refined. Only through refinement can we become that auriferous jewel...that brilliant yellow, sparkling in our life lessons, dazzling with our acquired wisdom.
I started reading it Saturday and the very first chapter hooked me in a very peculiar way. I was sickened to a degree that became too real for me...I literally had to stop and vomit in my kitchen sink. Sebold was not particularly graphic but the feelings emanated from this book so strongly, that I could not help but remember dark things long suppressed by my will to persevere through hard times in my life. I had to put the book away from me for a couple of hours so that wave of nausea could pass. Once I recovered well enough, I answered the beckoning of that book to FINISH ME.
And it reminded me of the movie "What Dreams May Come," which I have tucked away in the back of my entertainment center. It was certainly an abstract piece but in the book, I found a piece of reality in how the family fell apart and broke down after loosing a loved one. How in trying to get away from the darkness, sometimes we find that we are only pushing ourselves toward and into the darkness, drowning in the chaos and pushing the living away as we move with the dead, trying to discover where they might be; how life could be different if only they were with us. It was somewhat like reading a Picasso, with the distortions and almost transcendental illusions to Heaven, death, mystery. The possibilities. It was all just mesmerizing. Like a daydream.
The reason I enjoyed and loved the book was the simple fact that in the end it was REAL. Not every mystery is solved. Not everyone gets "justice" or what they deem to be justice. It was people discovering what it is to be human...what it is to live in the flesh. In this life, we will never have ALL the answers. We won't know all the why's and what if's. I felt I could relate to the characters in this book like no other characters in any book I've read thus far. Those real thoughts of "why Dallace and not me...or those damned stupid so-called friends." Everything we do, Dallace is a shadow...our thoughts turn to him. Holidays. Anniversaries. Homecomings. We are forced to grow up faster than our years here on Earth. We always look back. We tiptoe around the eggshells our loved one has left behind. We hold on to things that belonged to him and curl up in his old clothes or bring out that photo where the light was brilliant in his eyes. I could relate to Abigail Salmon...I wanted to run away. Find new life. Ignore the facts. Ignore the reality.
In the end, it's not about the justice and the revenge. It's life lessons learned. Gold being refined. Before gold is that brilliant yellow jewel...it is first a big, ugly, ordinary looking rock. It has to be melted, put through extreme heat, shaped, bent, molded, and refined. Only through refinement can we become that auriferous jewel...that brilliant yellow, sparkling in our life lessons, dazzling with our acquired wisdom.
Happy Turkey Day
Today is a day for giving thanks so I thought I'd take a few minutes while the turkey and green bean casserole are basking in the over to give my thanks to everything that makes my life spectacular!
I am thankful for my brothers and my sister for they are the comic relief in my life. I can truly feel their unconditional love for me and I know that my childhood could not be as pleasant if not for them. Even though I am the oldest, they are so bright and such an example to me. I love you guys!
I am thankful that I have someone I can talk to about my deepest worries, anxieties, and troubles. And that someone is Rhaissa. She has a big heart and I'm glad we can exchange motherhood notes and antics. We weren't this close in high school, I guess because we were such inward, quiet lil' girls. But the years and the struggles have brought us back together and I'm so glad we get to talk and laugh together! I feel her family is an extension of mine and sorry to say even better than all my cousins, uncles, and aunts! Love ya girl.
I am thankful for my husband, who sticks by my side through thick and thin. He is someone I can trust, someone I can lean on when I'm down, someone I can laugh with...someone I can be ME around. He anticipates my needs and supports my many causes. With him, I feel I can accomplish anything. With him, forever seems possible. He is my bestest friend and I love him with all my heart.
I am thankful for my parents who taught me from the time I was placed in their stewardship that I am a child of God. That knowledge has kept me integral, hopeful, and at peace with any trial or tribulation in my way. My mother is a strong woman who will stand against what she believes is wrong and fight for what she believes is right. That is the kind of woman I want to be. My dad is a dedicated, hardworking father who will bend and break his back to allow us the comforts we had growing up. He is a gentleman, a man of God. I hope that my son can be as intelligent, as hardworking and as devoted to his family.
In these times, I have to give my thanks to every soldier who sacrifice so very much so that I can be free, to worship how I may, to think freely, write freely and walk freely. So that I can sit at a big table decked out with srumdiddlyumptious food and stuff my face 'til I'm engorged and have no thought but to be thankful! I have to thank the families of those soldiers as well...for their sacrifice isn't any less meaningful...theirs may be the greatest sacrifice and the most selfless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And then finally, among many other things that I won't have time to scribe...I would like to thank God most for the most precious gift He gave me. I graciously received this gift March 15, 2008 and he is amazing. Isaac Anthony Coy is my everything. Anything and everything I do, I think of how it effects/benefits him. He brings a happiness into our home like nothing else in my life. I think about him every second, every moment. I love this lil' rascal so much I feel like my heart could burst. Thank you, Lord for such a special Spirit. It could have been any Spirit you chose, but Isaac, the way he is and all his personality, is PERFECT.
I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving.
I feel fat because I am getting fat!
I should have listened all those years people warned me to be careful with my eating habits and work out habits. I was like whatever! Look at me! I eat and it's like I've eaten nothing because I'm still like zero pounds wearing size zero everything. I remember working in that restaurant for retired, old hot shots with a lot of money and saying good-bye to this skinny, little old Asian lady, and right before she stepped out the door, she said to me in a very Asian way.."You're cute. But don't get fat. It look ugly on short girls." I was, at first, appalled but brushed it off.
Well! There isn't a day in my aging years where I don't think about that little old Asian lady as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, wondering how this fabulous, delicious flab started to appear. BUT I know exactly what it is...I am a PIG. In public, I hide it. But by myself, by the illuminating, flashing lights of the television, I pig out. All day long, I munch with my son. It used to be healthy stuff...but lately chips, popcorn, tortillas rolled in butter because I'm just too lazy..junk food is so much easier and ready in that moment. I started working out last month, but I have no discipline. Like what is wrong with me!! And I've just grown disappointed in me. Being fat isn't so bad...it's being short and fat that irritates me. The only thing that could make this extra weight look okay is if I was taller, even if it's just a freaking inch, or if I had some nice big jugs to take attention away from this atrocious gut! And it's not just the outward, physical appearance that bothers me anymore either. I feel like crap. Lazier. Moodier. Irrational.
So here's what I've done. I found a picture of me in my skinnier (and healthier) days and taped that on my mirror. Then I printed out a picture of me and how I look today with just a bra and underwear. Yeah. I let all that flab and gut hang out all exposed. So that I can walk by the two pictures everyday... to remind myself I've become a PIG. And I walk by my mirror often. Fight the urges, girl! Work that fat butt off. Billy Banks is my new best friend. I'll be spending my spare time running on my treadmill. I threw out all the junk food and bought fresh produce. Goodbye flab! So long gut! HAHAHA. All in time for the holidays! I'm a crazy pig!
Well! There isn't a day in my aging years where I don't think about that little old Asian lady as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, wondering how this fabulous, delicious flab started to appear. BUT I know exactly what it is...I am a PIG. In public, I hide it. But by myself, by the illuminating, flashing lights of the television, I pig out. All day long, I munch with my son. It used to be healthy stuff...but lately chips, popcorn, tortillas rolled in butter because I'm just too lazy..junk food is so much easier and ready in that moment. I started working out last month, but I have no discipline. Like what is wrong with me!! And I've just grown disappointed in me. Being fat isn't so bad...it's being short and fat that irritates me. The only thing that could make this extra weight look okay is if I was taller, even if it's just a freaking inch, or if I had some nice big jugs to take attention away from this atrocious gut! And it's not just the outward, physical appearance that bothers me anymore either. I feel like crap. Lazier. Moodier. Irrational.
So here's what I've done. I found a picture of me in my skinnier (and healthier) days and taped that on my mirror. Then I printed out a picture of me and how I look today with just a bra and underwear. Yeah. I let all that flab and gut hang out all exposed. So that I can walk by the two pictures everyday... to remind myself I've become a PIG. And I walk by my mirror often. Fight the urges, girl! Work that fat butt off. Billy Banks is my new best friend. I'll be spending my spare time running on my treadmill. I threw out all the junk food and bought fresh produce. Goodbye flab! So long gut! HAHAHA. All in time for the holidays! I'm a crazy pig!
Something I wrote five months ago...
Dear Riley,
I think I am loosing myself-loosing me in this whole mother/wife role. I am tired--no, EXHAUSTED, everyday; working, worrying, and calculating every dollar, every penny. Consumed by the drudgery of everyday life, barely remembering the flare and fire of the young, youthful me. I don't write anymore. I almost never sit down and consult in this journal of my thoughts. My knack for writing is slowly extinguishing. My vocabulary lacking, shrinking. I am more familiar with moo moo, woof woof, and these unsubstantial "redneck" idioms and phrases I am picking up from making an effort to relate to my spouse. I get no sleep either from Isaac's endless teething episodes or my own restless mind. All these thoughts rotating, spinning, rolling, eating away at me, keeping me up all night. I fee like I'm sinking, drowing, falling into a ravenous, dark pit...an wide, gaping, ominous abyss.
I am turning into mush. I'm becoming unbearable. I'm gone...I LOVE being a mom, I LOVE being a wife but I'm GONE, I tell you! The creativity, the with, the vibrancy, the energy. I'm on auto even as I feel my bones withering away, trying their hardest to revert back into dust. Is it possible to feel yourself fading in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional? But I only have myself to blame...
Love,
Me again.
I think I am loosing myself-loosing me in this whole mother/wife role. I am tired--no, EXHAUSTED, everyday; working, worrying, and calculating every dollar, every penny. Consumed by the drudgery of everyday life, barely remembering the flare and fire of the young, youthful me. I don't write anymore. I almost never sit down and consult in this journal of my thoughts. My knack for writing is slowly extinguishing. My vocabulary lacking, shrinking. I am more familiar with moo moo, woof woof, and these unsubstantial "redneck" idioms and phrases I am picking up from making an effort to relate to my spouse. I get no sleep either from Isaac's endless teething episodes or my own restless mind. All these thoughts rotating, spinning, rolling, eating away at me, keeping me up all night. I fee like I'm sinking, drowing, falling into a ravenous, dark pit...an wide, gaping, ominous abyss.
I am turning into mush. I'm becoming unbearable. I'm gone...I LOVE being a mom, I LOVE being a wife but I'm GONE, I tell you! The creativity, the with, the vibrancy, the energy. I'm on auto even as I feel my bones withering away, trying their hardest to revert back into dust. Is it possible to feel yourself fading in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional? But I only have myself to blame...
Love,
Me again.
Jacob 2:18-19 Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
I am reminded by many around me that my focus is not where it should be. I am too dependent on my own understanding of how things should be, well rather how I think things should be at this stage in my life. I must finally admit that Isaac is indeed a miracle and blessing from my Heavenly Father and also a lesson at the same time. I would be a fool not to accept this. From my mother, to my sister, to the speakers in church; God uses them all to send me a message, He is snapping His fingers in my face. HELLO, daughter...listen. And I am listening.
Jacob 2:18-19: "But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ, ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good, to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted."
I would love to have more children. Isaac fills my heart and I love the spirit he brings into our home; he lights up my world and I can only imagine what a house full of children would be like. And while my desire is righteous, my focus is still selfish...I haven't put God first and I do believe that our future depends on the readiness that we the chosen mothers possess. The world is falling rapidly into a secular, more carnal state, perishing under the basest of our manly natures. Instant gratification...immediate satisfaction. No thought to our eternal, immortal potential. Even devout Christians fall into the "trends" the fads. Bling bling. The hottest item. The new thing. The latest fashion. The upgrades. The rad video games. All of it will mean nothing in the next life. In the next stages of our growth. We are leaving behind good values...and forgetting God in our lives.
I believe I will be mother to many children but all in good time. I need to seek after the righteousness of the Lord and have Faith that He will listen to my righteous desires once I have proven that I am ready to be more selfless. To strengthen my Spirit because I have a feeling those who are coming down to earth are going to be some very special people and I am responsible for guiding them. And how can I guide them when I don't follow the beacons the Lord places in my life? Yes, I think I need to re-focus.
Jacob 2:18-19: "But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ, ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good, to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted."
I would love to have more children. Isaac fills my heart and I love the spirit he brings into our home; he lights up my world and I can only imagine what a house full of children would be like. And while my desire is righteous, my focus is still selfish...I haven't put God first and I do believe that our future depends on the readiness that we the chosen mothers possess. The world is falling rapidly into a secular, more carnal state, perishing under the basest of our manly natures. Instant gratification...immediate satisfaction. No thought to our eternal, immortal potential. Even devout Christians fall into the "trends" the fads. Bling bling. The hottest item. The new thing. The latest fashion. The upgrades. The rad video games. All of it will mean nothing in the next life. In the next stages of our growth. We are leaving behind good values...and forgetting God in our lives.
I believe I will be mother to many children but all in good time. I need to seek after the righteousness of the Lord and have Faith that He will listen to my righteous desires once I have proven that I am ready to be more selfless. To strengthen my Spirit because I have a feeling those who are coming down to earth are going to be some very special people and I am responsible for guiding them. And how can I guide them when I don't follow the beacons the Lord places in my life? Yes, I think I need to re-focus.
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