Dear Riley,
I think I am loosing myself-loosing me in this whole mother/wife role. I am tired--no, EXHAUSTED, everyday; working, worrying, and calculating every dollar, every penny. Consumed by the drudgery of everyday life, barely remembering the flare and fire of the young, youthful me. I don't write anymore. I almost never sit down and consult in this journal of my thoughts. My knack for writing is slowly extinguishing. My vocabulary lacking, shrinking. I am more familiar with moo moo, woof woof, and these unsubstantial "redneck" idioms and phrases I am picking up from making an effort to relate to my spouse. I get no sleep either from Isaac's endless teething episodes or my own restless mind. All these thoughts rotating, spinning, rolling, eating away at me, keeping me up all night. I fee like I'm sinking, drowing, falling into a ravenous, dark pit...an wide, gaping, ominous abyss.
I am turning into mush. I'm becoming unbearable. I'm gone...I LOVE being a mom, I LOVE being a wife but I'm GONE, I tell you! The creativity, the with, the vibrancy, the energy. I'm on auto even as I feel my bones withering away, trying their hardest to revert back into dust. Is it possible to feel yourself fading in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional? But I only have myself to blame...
Love,
Me again.
1 comment:
Whether it is through motherhood, becoming a nun, or just being a poor college student we all feel some sort of fading throughout our lives. I believe it could be an effect of growing up and experiencing change, but that is just a speculation.
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