Mourning...what stage am I in?

It is in these early morning hours when I can't sleep that brings me to my deepest thoughts. My thoughts rush to my fellow insomniac. When I couldn't sleep, this person would be up with me, talking, discussing, laughing. I miss it. Lord knows I miss him!! A sob escapes me as I think of all the early morning talks we had, on that second floor balcony. Our eyes would linger on the distant horizon as we discussed our lil problems, opened up our hearts to each other, finding out what it meant to grow up and become adults. I miss him so much it hurts. I know with all my lil problems that he would be the only one I could call that wouldn't try to solve them, judge me, or harrass me about the decisions I've made. He just became the shoulder I needed. Nothing more than that. I still see him in everything in my life.

From the most honest part of me, I still feel guilty. I'm not over it at all. In truth, I beat myself up everyday for everything I did and didn't do for Dallace. People tell me I shouldn't. That I have to forgive myself. That he made his choice. But I gave him his first alcoholic drink. I walked that wild path and had him walk with me.I was a horrible example to him. I, Messehni, the eldest. It hurts more that when I did CPR on my brother, crying out to God, that he remained cold and blue. All that went through my mind was the night I poured him his first drink...and oh how I regret it all. Then I hid in shame from church, from my family, maybe even, in my own thinking, from God, and started hating myself. I think I need to do something before everything falls apart for me. Because I still hate myself. Lord, please help me stand up from this!