Depression

Let me first say: This blog is MY blog. I am not an expert with anything at all. I am, however, an expert at me, at my feelings, and at my thoughts--well as best as I can, I guess. This isn't a place where you can find proof of things that need proving; this isn't a place where you may find any help at all for that matter. This blog is my help, though. I blog to vent, to get things out, and then to hear you all confirm that it will be okay. Because sometimes I think we all need that pick me up. We all go through tough times that maybe make our resolve a little bit weak, our motivation lacking, and our hopes lying in ruins. 

When it rains, Sabrina gets soaked and scared. The sun comes up eventually. But it seems to fall behind clouds frequently and disappears for extended periods. And the only thing I know how to do that keeps this darkness at bay is keep busy: playing the violin, running, prepping things for the girls at church, meditating, volunteering, working, reading, blogging, writing, reading my scriptures etc, etc. But there is always in the depths of me somewhere (my soul being as deep as the trenches of the Pacific Ocean--maybe the Atlantic but I chose Pacific it being my roots) a sort of anxiety that flows upwards and downwards according to outside influences. When a volcano erupts in my life, the anxiety rises, shooting high above the trees. When plates move, the anxiety quakes and surfaces, bursting with an intensity I can't control. When the currents change, the anxiety bubbles and froths. 

And all of us who experience this anxiety cope with it differently. But we all say the same thing: I'm okay, really! Are you? Sabrina Yakana, are you okay? Nope, I don't always feel good about myself but who always feels good about themselves 100% of the time, huh? WHO!?? And no, my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be at this point, but hey! I made some poor choices that landed me here....and unless someone found a way to go back in time, there's really not much I can do about that now is there? I know I have a lot of pain and hurt, though. Most times my emotions run away from me. But that happy face. Oh how it plasters on my face so easily. Is that a sign of enduring, really? Fake the happy until the sad goes away? 

Perhaps it's time to consider therapy or counseling? Cuz I gots a lot of issues that maybe I don't deal with appropriately? But the thing about that is I can sit in that lounge chair and spill out all the words in a dictionary that would describe the anxiety that attacks me daily but NO ONE is going to understand me enough to SAVE me from myself. No one on earth will be able to crawl into my skin and FEEL what I feel, KNOW my thoughts, and just really LIVE my sorrows. Not even my closest friends or even my family can possibly comprehend me; the me that exists in such a way that even if I didn't have a name, you can pick me out of the crowd if you knew the finite patterns and emotions of my soul. The me that lives to feel pain to know happiness. 

So then, Sabrina, what keeps you going? What stops you from obliterating your life when your thoughts and feelings push you to that edge? It's this one piece of knowledge I have, this hope that I keep, this faith I practice in a Savior I am getting to know. That He KNOWS me. Not just knows me by a name or a position or a role I play in life. He was right there, feeling every emotion I had, including worthlessness, when Dallace passed away. He was there when each spark of life in me extinguished, knowing the road I would walk very soon. He felt the physical pain of my D&C and more importantly, the mental anguish of that surgery. And every miscarriage after that, He felt each drop of my heart and knew the insanity that followed. And then in the midst of losing the battle to keep my family together, He took my hand, brushed off my knees, patted my head, and wrapped me with the knowledge that through all of my blunders, He would still lay down His life for me to win LIFE for me. Eternal life. 

And so I trudged through my day today, with a little bit of sadness in my heart. But as I did some people watching (as is my favorite past-time activity when I'm waiting in the long lines that I'm so good at picking out),  I took note of their brightly smiling faces and couldn't help but to think of the "faces" we put on. I wondered if they were wearing their faces today. I thought of how I could never get into their minds or hearts so deeply so as to understand EVERYTHING about them. And I thought of all the pain, we as humans experience collectively but so privately. And I thought of all the things we could do individually--the potential we each have to excel far beyond this universe if we exercised a little bit more patience and compassion with each other and especially with ourselves. So am I okay? Sometimes that's a definite no as in this week...yeah not so much. But a lot of us, no matter our circumstance (whether we are poor, rich, surrounded by people or alone), are NOT okay. So I'm allowing myself to cry a little bit tonight, pray a lot, and hopefully out of the ashes of this very trying life, I'll rise perfected by the mistakes I've learned from, the anguish I've endured through, and the knowledge I've gained of myself. 

Peace and blessings. PEACE and BLESSINGS ya'll!