So there is a lot of junk on my mind...pretty normal for me, I guess. If the brain could have a notification tone every time a thought crossed it, my brain would be sounding off all day, every millisecond of the day, which I'm sure is pretty standard for everyone. So here I am, going to try to sort some of it out on this bloggy blog of mine.
1) I volunteer my time and energy serving the young women (ages 12-18 yrs old) in my church. We are basically mentors and a second support system to parents who are trying to raise strong, confident daughters of God. So pretty soon here, these young gals will be going to a girls' camp. I remember girls' camp when I was that age and how spectacularly awesome and fun it was to go. I never realized the tremendous work it took to plan for such a camping trip for 200+ girls. And not that I'm an adult leader, I am truly grateful for leaders in the past and the work they put into such extracurricular activities.
Now there are usually adult leaders who go to supervise camp certifications....and well, it seems I've volunteered myself to go but only for part of the trip. Camp is usually four glorious days. I'm only going to be able to go a day and a half. Not because I don't want to go the full time; the conflict is Isaac's birthday will be in the middle of that week that the girls go to camp (Spring Break week!! woot woot!). Recently I've been feeling somewhat of a pressure to go the full time....mostly by the Bishopric (I guess that would be the equivalent of the pastor of my congregation; the shepherd called to care and assist this fold of believers). And I expressed the reasons for me not being able to attend the whole thing to one of the members of the Bishopric and his response weighed heavily on me....
"Oh, he won't miss it or you...." he had said when I said I didn't want to miss lil man's birthday. And he totally said this jokingly, but I still felt a little pressure. I went home that night and prayed heavily, wondering if maybe I had my priorities wrong. But in praying, a thought came to my mind: he may not miss it (das Geburtstag---his birthday) or me but this is the time I have with him where he still WANTS/DESIRES to be with his momma. And that brings us to numero dos....
2) I have mulled over this great possibility in my mind; this possibility that he may one day not want to be around or live with me. As a single parent I am constantly worried and stressed over the welfare of my child. As so many other good mothers, I naturally want the best for him and do my best to provide everything I possibly can to meet his needs. And I wept at the thought of him not necessarily rejecting me but desiring to not want to live with me and live with his dad. So it turned to thoughts of what I could do to decrease the chance of this happening.
And so as I'm thinking on these things, it made me realize how I truly hate the idea of divorce. Not because it should never happen (sometimes it NEEDS to happen) but that the major effects are always on the children. No matter the reason. Not matter the justification for the divorce....the kid will always hurt. So then my focus turned from what to do to make sure he never wants to leave me (ever!! not really...but close) to what to do to make sure he doesn't lose himself in the hurt we created for him no matter who he decides to live with. And so numero tres...
3) Forgiveness...because it hurts more to keep the anger. And if I don't want lil man to hurt, then I need to let go and stop hurting myself. Children have a tendency to sometimes repeat their parents' history. I need to be a better example and really rely on the Lord to heal me, guide me, and protect me if I'm going to teach lil man to rely on Him, too. In the same light, although I can forgive, as a mother, my duty is always to protect my son from harm and that includes harm that others may cause him. There's a difference between forgiving and being a doormat. Let go of the hurt, anger and pain but I will always remain aware of someone trying to take advantage of that "kindness" of myself and my son. I am realistic though about my not being able to protect him from EVERY pain or harm...that is life. It is full of opposition.
1) I volunteer my time and energy serving the young women (ages 12-18 yrs old) in my church. We are basically mentors and a second support system to parents who are trying to raise strong, confident daughters of God. So pretty soon here, these young gals will be going to a girls' camp. I remember girls' camp when I was that age and how spectacularly awesome and fun it was to go. I never realized the tremendous work it took to plan for such a camping trip for 200+ girls. And not that I'm an adult leader, I am truly grateful for leaders in the past and the work they put into such extracurricular activities.
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| Camp isn't complete without some s'mores |
"Oh, he won't miss it or you...." he had said when I said I didn't want to miss lil man's birthday. And he totally said this jokingly, but I still felt a little pressure. I went home that night and prayed heavily, wondering if maybe I had my priorities wrong. But in praying, a thought came to my mind: he may not miss it (das Geburtstag---his birthday) or me but this is the time I have with him where he still WANTS/DESIRES to be with his momma. And that brings us to numero dos....
2) I have mulled over this great possibility in my mind; this possibility that he may one day not want to be around or live with me. As a single parent I am constantly worried and stressed over the welfare of my child. As so many other good mothers, I naturally want the best for him and do my best to provide everything I possibly can to meet his needs. And I wept at the thought of him not necessarily rejecting me but desiring to not want to live with me and live with his dad. So it turned to thoughts of what I could do to decrease the chance of this happening.
And so as I'm thinking on these things, it made me realize how I truly hate the idea of divorce. Not because it should never happen (sometimes it NEEDS to happen) but that the major effects are always on the children. No matter the reason. Not matter the justification for the divorce....the kid will always hurt. So then my focus turned from what to do to make sure he never wants to leave me (ever!! not really...but close) to what to do to make sure he doesn't lose himself in the hurt we created for him no matter who he decides to live with. And so numero tres...
3) Forgiveness...because it hurts more to keep the anger. And if I don't want lil man to hurt, then I need to let go and stop hurting myself. Children have a tendency to sometimes repeat their parents' history. I need to be a better example and really rely on the Lord to heal me, guide me, and protect me if I'm going to teach lil man to rely on Him, too. In the same light, although I can forgive, as a mother, my duty is always to protect my son from harm and that includes harm that others may cause him. There's a difference between forgiving and being a doormat. Let go of the hurt, anger and pain but I will always remain aware of someone trying to take advantage of that "kindness" of myself and my son. I am realistic though about my not being able to protect him from EVERY pain or harm...that is life. It is full of opposition.
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