"And while you struggle with your pain, your worthlessness, and guilt, he sleeps, " he nodded towards their bedroom and snorted disgustingly. "I, honestly, don't see how you can allow yourself to suffer such injustice. All day you slave away in this home. Cook, clean, raise the boy. And to be treated this way. Unanswered prayers. Unsympathetic partner. I bet you feel rather lonely?" his eyes flashed. Everything he said always made sense yet it felt wrong. He touched her cheeks with his fingers and kissed her forehead, smiling down at her. And then he slapped her across the right side of her face and sent her flying across the floor. "You should stop crying. You should stop taking the blame for all the lost little lives. How do you know it's not his fault? All your testing and still nothing conclusive. You're being poked, prodded. You've stood naked in front of countless nurses, assistants, doctors. Taken hormones. And him? What is his part?" he held out a hand for her as she sat up, broken and swimming in self-loathing. "My pet, you are so weak. I have to strengthen you somehow. This is not your fault. This is his fault. He's driven you to do this. Look at you. Pathetic. Outrageously inadequate."
With that she buried her head in her arms and wept. Leave me alone, she cried in her mind. She felt the self-pity, the sadness weigh her down and she felt she couldn't even stand at this point. He came and knelt down beside her, stroking her hair with that smirk still plastered on his handsome, beautiful face. A face of an angel but there was an iciness behind his eyes and anger set in the lines around his mouth and eyes. Those empty orbs of blue drank up the sight of her writhing in pain on the floor. He flung her onto her feet and dragged her to the mirror, half-smiling now.
"This life...it's so sad, my pet. Why not just end it?" he stood behind her, watching her stare at her reflection. She wept at herself. Wept at the lack of control then began sobbing because of the hold he had on her. Her mind was swimming, inebriated, confused. Was he real? Was she dreaming? Was this the alcohol? Was she crazy? And then his words sank in and she cried out even more. She wanted to die. She wanted an end. No one would care. No one would miss her. Her boy would be taken care of by everyone else more capable, less unstable. Her hands came to her face; her reflection stood staring blankly, scaring her with those eyes; they were large and vacant. Void of emotion except a swirling, whirling darkness that emitted guilt and fear. And involuntarily, it seemed, she reached for the medicine cabinet. Opened it without a second thought and a brown bottle appeared in her hands. Vicodin 500mg. She poured it onto the counter. Ten. She fell on her knees and cried helplessly once again. He still stood behind her now with a look of exasperation. He knelt and pulled her head up by a handful of dark, untamed hair.
"They don't need you, pet. You have no use here. Release yourself of this pain. Your life is of no worth, baby killer. What more can you do for them? Look at you. An alcoholic, on the edge of madness. You do them all a great favor. They will live pleasant, happy lives without you," and she listened, feeling he was right. A few sobs escaped her as she thought of her son; could she leave him? Was it best for him? Would he wonder about her? She turned to the pills and fingered each, tears shedding slowly. She picked up three, stared at them in her palm. With her free hand, she turned on the faucet and became resolute. He chuckled delightfully as she popped the three in her mouth and filled her mouth with water and swallowed. And she giggled because she finally did it. She glanced at him in the mirror then turned to face him. Take them all, he commanded without every saying a word. She picked up two more and swallowed without any water. He laughed and his laughter was hollow and eerie. He took her hand and spun her around and around. With each spin, she felt sicker and sicker. She watched her reflection as she spun. Her reflection still stood, staring from the mirror with that blank gaze. She saw the blackness swirling faster and faster in her brown eyes. And she fell with a scary suddenness and hit her head on the wall as she fell backwards with a loud thud. And she felt herself hurl. She turned over on her side and began crying again. Her crying accompanied by desperate pleas. We want this! No, we don't! I need help, please!!!
*****************
He felt her warmth disappear. He stirred in bed not wanting to wake but knowing perhaps he should this time. She had been especially distant today. Well, this whole week actually, and he had found her secret stash a few days ago. He hadn't know what to do; didn't know how to approach her. He knew and felt that she was drowning but being who he was, he just couldn't understand how she could let herself get so down and sad. The sadness that was consuming her was slowly slithering its way into his heart.
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