Everybody fooled

She plopped onto the bed, not caring if it would wake him. She was jealous that he could sleep so soundly...so well while her mind was a wreck, preventing her to go to sleep. Sometimes she felt like smacking him just to wake him. To be spiteful. How evil!?! She laid down and slipped under the covers. He rolled over and sat up, blurry eyed, asking her if she was okay. She whispered an answer and turned over. He pulled her to him and curled his body around her, holding her tightly. And the rum worked it's magic, lulling her mind to sleep. She closed her eyes and for a while there were no dreams; no demons; no anxiety. Just quiet slumber. For a while, she rested in his big arms and let herself go. Just for a moment, she felt safe in the harbor of his arms, encircling her, wrapping her in an intoxicated cocoon. And her mind floated in a blank trance as the alcohol lifted her away from herself. Her muscles relaxed; her head drooped in the warm little nook in his elbow and her breathing became loose and even. And then just as the false peace rested over her, a panic arose from nowhere. And the demons laughed at her and came baring down in her mind. The helplessness engulfed her; her heart burst with pain and hurt. She snapped out of her sleep and a cry escaped. She hated this. She slipped out of bed, walking towards the bathroom, looking back at her slumbering husband. Beads of sweat trickled down her back, sending a cold, icy shiver up her spine. She reached for the only thing that was calming her nerves these days not realizing it was the very thing trapping her and opening the gateways to worlds full of regret, depression, and fear. But she drank and swigged until all the supposed pain was numb again. And she sank to the bathroom floor, tears flowing, knowing the monster would come anyway. She waited, rocking and crying. And there he was, standing in front of her with those green eyes and smirk. Sleek blonde hair and white, tailored suit. Long, thin legs, but no feet. He just floated around. He looked down on her, grunting haughtily.

"Another sleepless night?" his voice oozed with sweetness, bright yet dark and ominous. She kept her eyes down; those eyes when she beheld them were piercing and left her feeling exposed and utterly and devastatingly vulnerable. "Tsk, tsk my pet. Surely your God would show mercy on you by now? All your weeping. All your praying, yet you are here still shedding those tears, losing control of your life...where is your salvation?" he picked her chin up and bore into what she felt like was her soul. Her tears froze all the while on the inside she was fighting against it all. She thought of her husband sleeping always leaving her alone to fight these things.

"And while you struggle with your pain, your worthlessness, and guilt, he sleeps, " he nodded towards their bedroom and snorted disgustingly. "I, honestly, don't see how you can allow yourself to suffer such injustice. All day you slave away in this home. Cook, clean, raise the boy. And to be treated this way. Unanswered prayers. Unsympathetic partner. I bet you feel rather lonely?" his eyes flashed. Everything he said always made sense yet it felt wrong. He touched her cheeks with his fingers and kissed her forehead, smiling down at her. And then he slapped her across the right side of her face and sent her flying across the floor. "You should stop crying. You should stop taking the blame for all the lost little lives. How do you know it's not his fault? All your testing and still nothing conclusive. You're being poked, prodded. You've stood naked in front of countless nurses, assistants, doctors. Taken hormones. And him? What is his part?" he held out a hand for her as she sat up, broken and swimming in self-loathing. "My pet, you are so weak. I have to strengthen you somehow. This is not your fault. This is his fault. He's driven you to do this. Look at you. Pathetic. Outrageously inadequate."

With that she buried her head in her arms and wept. Leave me alone, she cried in her mind.