Demons

It was "one of those days..." You get up on the sunny side, cheerful, content, bright-eyed and full of energy. Life is comfortable finally. You think you've faced all the demons you can and conquered every one of them. And then, there in the seemingly innocent yet menacing shadows lurks the one demon you know can destroy you. The one that can rip your soul to shreds and leave you in a pile of meaningless smoke and dust. Leaving you to smolder and wisp away in endless misery and doom. This demon, with it's beady green eyes and spiked, loathsome fuzz, glaring at you, paralyzing you in your tracks with that penetrating, invading gaze. You bow your head, praying. Please don't let me lose it. Please, please, please let this pass. But you feel it's ever omnious presence. And your forced to face it, to look at it head on and cry, shiver and pee in your pants. You taste the bile pushing it's way up your throat and buckle as your insides churn, roiling in fear, sadness, and hopelessness. You wonder when it will end. An eternity of this? Yes, I can see how this could be Hell. With the sticky, thickness of gloom and a dark void that never empties and never fills. You would rather die and die and die again just to find reprieve from the uncertainty. The end will never come and that is the scariest part. How can a soul endure?

Yeah...that's the jist of my day. Flashback upon flashback of a time in my life that was very low...perhaps my lowest point in life. A time where mortality became all to real and all too personal. To face death and not go beyond the veil...and wonder. The tragic finality of that night or early morning. When everything seemed to fall apart and I turned within and kept within myself. The memories flooded back today with a vividness that just rocked my emotions and mentally disabled me for a bit. Vomit flew. Tears welled. And I just felt an overwhelming desire to disappear. She is nothing. I don't fear her. But her presence reminds me of the things I fear. The things I remember that have been repressed by my choice so as not to lose myself in the wallowing. Her presence perpetuates this unstable condition in my mind. Am I crazy? No, I think not. But I hurt a lot. So very much still. And I don't think people around me realize the severity of her being around me. It used to not be like this. But the lies that were spun and circulated...puts fire on the wound. 

So baking bread and indulging in brownies...not the best for my body and the ideal weight I'm shooting for. But the smell of baking bread and brownies conjure up better memories. The taste of moist fudge and wheat with honey or jelly soothe and eleviate the bad taste I've had in my mouth all day. And venting as usual here in my web journal. I'll be okay. I'm sure of it. But I'm on my knees tonight, praying in my weakness, knowing the light is near. All I have to do is endure. And I know I can endure. I've made it this far and life is easy. Others have it much worse and are dying. I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to be learning about life. Life is an adventure. Unwritten as we go along, improvising and surviving. 

That is all.