Family Fun Times

The past couple of weeks with Isaac have been filled with so much fun and memory building. We went to Sea World two weeks ago and had a blast. And Isaac got to see Elmo and that was a trip watching his reaction. Like he was totally mesmerized and captivated. He could barely sit still to take the picture and those big brown eyes doubled in size as he breathlessly told Elmo his name and that he loved him! It was funny and so friggin sweet....I, in my truest character, got all sappy and teared up. These moments are priceless. When we left Elmo's studio after taking pictures, he was still on cloud nine. Like his smile....the camera could never do it justice. MAGIC is the word for it...so I can only imagine what he'll be like when I take him to Disney World...or Disney Land, I get confused as to which one. But yes, I plan on taking him if it is in my power at all to do this for him. 

And then this week, we took him to the movies for the FIRST time. Yes, I've been chicken to take him to the movies before. Well, it was mainly because...well because I'm chicken. In my mind, my kid is the rowdiest kid in the world. But I found out today there are plenty of other rowdier and RUDE kids in the world. And Isaac is only rowdy but never rude. We took him to see Cars 2, and the movie was great. Lots of speedy scenes, fast scenes, and really, loud, jump out your seat scenes. He was thrilled to have his own little tray of popcorn, drink, and candy. It reminded me of my younger brother when eating his first meal on his first airplane flight...."Mom, this is the life," as said in Freddy's famous words (well famous to our family). And the look in his eyes...exactly like Freddy's when he said this very phrase when he was a few years older than Isaac. 

And when I say we, I am talking about myself, my brother Jordan and his wife, Ashley. They have accompanied and helped get discounts on these past activities and have helped to insure Isaac has a good time and is safe while having fun. I appreciate these two in my life. They have been by my side through so much and have always been encouraging, supportive, and compassionate. It's been just so amazing being able to count on them for positive words, smiles, and hugs. As with all of my family, I just don't know what I'd do without them. They are all dear to me and cherished. I am grateful for my family. =)

Uncle Jordan is the best!

the wild kids, tiger lily and isaac

obsessed with anything with wheels

video games at chuck e cheese

Out of the norm...

I had a disturbing dream last night. It wasn't the dream I always have that shakes me out of sleep drenched in my sweat, heart racing a million miles. It was one of those so real it seems real. Smells. Touch. Sight. Even my feelings. I don't even know if it's a good idea to share it being that it might reveal my state of mind. I think. A manifestation of my subconscious. But writing it down, sharing is an addiction to me now. I've always been private, introverted, and slow to speak my opinion or say what's on my mind. These days I don't think I really care. I'm bursting with thoughts, and I'm going to relay somehow.

Yes but this dream starts in my apartment and I'm waiting for Isaac to come home. I'm alone, hungry, and anxious. If you were watching the scene like it was a movie, you'd see my anticipation. You'd know I was waiting impatiently for Isaac's return. I'm biting my nails, straightening things, dusting away non-existent dust, and watching the clock. I was even pacing a little. And then I hear Jimmy's truck (yes, we will be addressing douche-bag by his formal, birth-given name), and I jump up from my perch on the couch, run to the door, unlock it, and swing it open. I don't even wait him to turn the truck off before I'm opening the door, looking for that kid and his vivacious, gregarious smile. I unbuckle his seat belt in the way that I normally do (hurriedly and excitedly) and pluck him out of his car seat, squeezing him in my arms. I always do that. I want to feel his whole being, his full substance close to me and I want to surround him with mine. I am always looking for ways to soak this boy in my love. And his smile and his soft voice as he tells me he loves me, reassures me that he is home and that he knows where he belongs.

Jimmy steps out of the truck and steps up on my walkway and that immediately sets alarms up. He never comes that close to my apartment. He usually stays in the truck or hands me the boy from the road. He is on the walkway and he is looking every which way except at me. He seems to want to come in, and my gut reaction is to spit his way or pound his head with my broom handle, which is sitting right there at the front door. But I smile and turn away to head into the door. And I am suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling like something radical is about to take place. And I hear a weird noise come from his throat. Like a cough and a hmpf sound. I keep walking. Go home, I think, rolling my eyes.

"Can we talk for a sec?" I freeze in my tracks and automatically my jaw wants to drop but I have mastered control over my faces when it comes to Jimmy. I take a deep breathe as silently as possible, slap on a cover smile and slowly turn back towards him.

"About what?" my voice is calm but edgy. I feel Isaac in my arms and know I have to keep level and civilized.

"I'm sorry for everything...I've been so wrong," at this point I'm feeling like the world has ended as a conglomeration of emotions bounce around in my heart. I closed my eyes and said the shortest but the most powerful, most heartfelt, absolute sincerest prayer in my heart. And then just as suddenly as the hurricane blasted into my core, it completely disappeared and was replaced with something like peace.

"I already forgave you, Jimmy. But I'm glad you could admit your part in the hell we created for each other," I heard myself say with the coolest, most collected, most appealing voice. I looked into his eyes and knew instantly that it was all a dream. Green eyes. Jimmy's eyes are bluish-hazel. These were the bright, almost neon-ugly green eyes of the demon that has been haunting my subconscious for years. Panic ensued. But I bowed my head and whispered another prayer and felt my subconscious and conscious mind coming together. I could feel everything around me disappear in a soft brush of wind, blurring and fading.

I woke up then. Feeling weird. And that is the dream. The dream my mind chose to remember so vividly.

The Begger and the Good Intentioned

There is a war waging in my mind and spirit. I feel the strain always of my mind pulling, tugging in every which way, carrying me over, under, through, around, and across every fork and bend in a river. My thoughts stem out like veins in a single leaf, ever reaching, stretching, and yearning for what? I'm not sure. The choices of life...so intricate, weaving ever so delicately. Turn one way and you could change the world for the better. Turn another way and the world could burn in agony, misery, and utter devastation. The fight between dark and light. Good and evil. Right and wrong. 

Today I passed a bum on the overpass. Hair disheveled. Skin leathery and burned from standing in the sun all day, with his knobby hands grasping a cardboard sign. His face creased with wrinkles. His shirt dirty and ripped. And I wondered at the choices he made to get him where he stood now. What was his story? And I in my SUV, pondered at my responsibility for this man. I am a part of the same world he is; we walk and talk the same, breathe the same air. I don't know his story. He may have put himself in this predicament. He may be a scam working among a network of scum. And yet I followed my instinct to roll my window down and extend two wrinkled, tattered dollar bills and a picture of Christ. Was that not so Christian of me? And yet, I knew that I felt, no matter what choices this man made in the past,(and he may use the bills I gave for all the wrong reasons),  I wanted to give him something. There was a look in his eyes that said a million things: Life is hard. I made some stupid choices. I don't want to stand here. Its so blazing hot out here. I wanted to ask him what's your story? What more can I do to help? 

And then when I drove off, my thoughts took a different turn. Didn't he deserve the life he chose? He put himself there. And by giving him what little money I gave him, was I not perpetuating the situation? Like spoiling a baby. Indulgence? What if he was scamming? Playing on my compassion? My inherent nature as a woman to want to take care of the needy, the poor, and sick. To rescue the lost, the abandoned, and weak. And I fell for his pitiful plea. Was it a real plea for help? I sat to eat my lunch, after a conversation on the phone with a friend and wondered at the choices we make in life. And I pondered my choice to extend my compassion to this man I didn't know, begging on the streets. I made the choice to reach out. Now it is up to him. It is in his hands and in God's hands. Good intentions. And good deeds never go unpunished...isn't that the saying? We shall see.