Out of the norm...

I had a disturbing dream last night. It wasn't the dream I always have that shakes me out of sleep drenched in my sweat, heart racing a million miles. It was one of those so real it seems real. Smells. Touch. Sight. Even my feelings. I don't even know if it's a good idea to share it being that it might reveal my state of mind. I think. A manifestation of my subconscious. But writing it down, sharing is an addiction to me now. I've always been private, introverted, and slow to speak my opinion or say what's on my mind. These days I don't think I really care. I'm bursting with thoughts, and I'm going to relay somehow.

Yes but this dream starts in my apartment and I'm waiting for Isaac to come home. I'm alone, hungry, and anxious. If you were watching the scene like it was a movie, you'd see my anticipation. You'd know I was waiting impatiently for Isaac's return. I'm biting my nails, straightening things, dusting away non-existent dust, and watching the clock. I was even pacing a little. And then I hear Jimmy's truck (yes, we will be addressing douche-bag by his formal, birth-given name), and I jump up from my perch on the couch, run to the door, unlock it, and swing it open. I don't even wait him to turn the truck off before I'm opening the door, looking for that kid and his vivacious, gregarious smile. I unbuckle his seat belt in the way that I normally do (hurriedly and excitedly) and pluck him out of his car seat, squeezing him in my arms. I always do that. I want to feel his whole being, his full substance close to me and I want to surround him with mine. I am always looking for ways to soak this boy in my love. And his smile and his soft voice as he tells me he loves me, reassures me that he is home and that he knows where he belongs.

Jimmy steps out of the truck and steps up on my walkway and that immediately sets alarms up. He never comes that close to my apartment. He usually stays in the truck or hands me the boy from the road. He is on the walkway and he is looking every which way except at me. He seems to want to come in, and my gut reaction is to spit his way or pound his head with my broom handle, which is sitting right there at the front door. But I smile and turn away to head into the door. And I am suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling like something radical is about to take place. And I hear a weird noise come from his throat. Like a cough and a hmpf sound. I keep walking. Go home, I think, rolling my eyes.

"Can we talk for a sec?" I freeze in my tracks and automatically my jaw wants to drop but I have mastered control over my faces when it comes to Jimmy. I take a deep breathe as silently as possible, slap on a cover smile and slowly turn back towards him.

"About what?" my voice is calm but edgy. I feel Isaac in my arms and know I have to keep level and civilized.

"I'm sorry for everything...I've been so wrong," at this point I'm feeling like the world has ended as a conglomeration of emotions bounce around in my heart. I closed my eyes and said the shortest but the most powerful, most heartfelt, absolute sincerest prayer in my heart. And then just as suddenly as the hurricane blasted into my core, it completely disappeared and was replaced with something like peace.

"I already forgave you, Jimmy. But I'm glad you could admit your part in the hell we created for each other," I heard myself say with the coolest, most collected, most appealing voice. I looked into his eyes and knew instantly that it was all a dream. Green eyes. Jimmy's eyes are bluish-hazel. These were the bright, almost neon-ugly green eyes of the demon that has been haunting my subconscious for years. Panic ensued. But I bowed my head and whispered another prayer and felt my subconscious and conscious mind coming together. I could feel everything around me disappear in a soft brush of wind, blurring and fading.

I woke up then. Feeling weird. And that is the dream. The dream my mind chose to remember so vividly.