Some journal entries...

October 18, 2010 

It is official. I am now divorced. I am a divorcee. It has finally come to this and we are finally over. Our marriage is now no more. In some ways that’s a relief but at the same time, it’s a harsh and bitter reality to have to face especially since I had dreamed and hoped to be with Jimmy forever. Looking at him today, I don’t know what I felt because there were so many emotions running through me. This is what he really wants. This is how he really wants things to end. And he really has no feelings and absolutely no love for me whatsoever. That hurts. That hurts after eight years of being with this person. That hurts after believing in him all this time and never giving up on him. And just like that, he is gone. It just seems impossible. I hope this woman is good to him. I hope she gives him the things he needs and wants. I hope she never breaks his heart the way he ripped mine apart. I hope this love I have for him fades more and more with time. Because I never want to feel this shitty again. I never want to feel like the damn lovesick fool that I’ve been all these years. I hope I can truly forgive him and move past what he’s done to me. At times I think I have but then today, I felt that raw hate for him. And I know that I haven’t quite completely forgiven him. 

So. I keep the Durango and the payments for the truck. I have main custody and conservetorship of Isaac. He pay Isaac $655.14/mo in child support. And it’s standard visitation. So it went well for me. Jimmy was reprimanded for the most part for not stepping up to the plate in the first place and handling his responsibility. In the end, it’s not going to matter. Because what matters, is the quality time Jimmy will spend with his son. And the time I spend with Isaac. And the things we’ll have to offer and teach him. That’s what’s going to make the difference. All the rest of this crap is artificial bullcrap. After this, I have no desire to ever meet another man again. No desire to share myself with anyone ever again. I’ve lost 40 lbs and some inches and I’m looking the best I’ve ever looked…but I still feel that brokenness and the abandonment. Fortunately, I’ve had amazing support from friends and most importantly, family. And then, I’ve been praying. I’ve never known a time where I’ve been so prayerful than this time in my life. And every day I ask God to please bless me with strength and foresight. And then I pray mostly for God to protect my son’s Spirit. Whatever impact all this has on Isaac, please bless his Spirit to be strong and remain intact. He’s been through so much at such a young age…it only makes me more resolved to provide the best for him as far as his spirituality and salvation. Nothing is more important.  I know that he has his agency. But I must prepare him to know how to use that agency for good and not for evil. 

As for me, my goals for my life are still somewhat the same. Still want to open that orphanage. Still want to write books. Still want to travel and explore the world. But added to that list, I want to go to the temple. I want to read the Book of Mormon this time for myself and on my own. I want to be closer to God. And know the source of my existence and have an actual, tangible relationship with my Creator and Savior. 

So a bittersweet day. A mix of sad, mad, and glad. It’s rough but I now I’m going to make it. I always do.

October 22, 2010

It’s such a slap in the face to see him so happy with some other “woman” and her kids. I hate him for it. They do it to hurt me. To laugh at me. To mock me. He takes my son over there, thinking what? Casey will replace me? I don’t know. I’m still angry, obviously. And hurt. The hurt is so real. I try to put some distance between me and this very tangible hurt. It effects me to the point of staying up late, never wanting to sleep, barely eating, and working out too much. I hate it all. I hate having to go through this divorce. I think too much, perhaps but I have to get these feelings down before I suffocate in their force. Jimmy has been such a HUGE disappointment in my life. I can’t help but to regret ever meeting him. I can’t help but regret opening my heart so much, so willingly. How did he do this to me? How did he go from making me feel like the only girl in the world, to feeling like less than dirt? Did  I really give him this much power? Am I still giving him this power over me? How could he do this? How could he leave me so empty and so effortlessly. Please, God help me!!! Take him out of my heart. Take him out of my mind. Help me overcome what he’s done to me. 

Jimmy, you are a liar and a bastard. You have now become like any other guy I’ve ever dated, full of empty promises, empty affection, and empty dreams. You call me callous? What you did was beyond callous and worse than what any guy has ever done to me. Worse than any violation I’ve ever encountered. You filled me with what I thought was endless, boundless love and built a world of security around me, then you abruptly tore it all apart in one violent swoop and left me in the ruins. And I am here building these walls again with even more hate for the world than I’ve ever had before. And most of that hate is aimed at you and I hope it stabs you in the heart one day. You married me. You took vows with me. And I guess those vows could have been toilet paper since you wiped your ass with every single one of them. And you committed a cardinal sin against your WIFE. You cheated. Deny it. Rationalize it. Make your excuses. But plain and simple, in Lamans terms, you are a cheating, two timing asshole. What’s worse, you ass wipe, you dragged Isaac into it and forgot your obligations to him. Six months with no kind of support from you and you had the nerve to demand your right to see him when it pleased you. How despicable. And you introduced him to your new family when you hadn’t even closed the book on your old family. What kind of idiot thinks that that kind of stuff doesn’t effect a child. What kind of idiot treats his child like a dumbass. He may be your son, but Isaac Anthony is every bit like his mom in that he is way too smart for the shit you pull. 

And now to really work on moving on from this crap. Someday I’ll look back on this and laugh more than cry. Although, these days the tears come less and less. Meditation helps. Breathing is amazing therapy, surprisingly. I can’t cry anymore for him it seems. Every obstacle forces us to grow in someway or another. I hope that I’m learning from this. I apologized to my family Monday night for the horrible example I’ve been. For my drinking and partying. For losing sight of God. For setting myself up for failure. For denying God and family in my life. For Dallace. I made promises to them that I would change. And I have. No more drinking. No more partying. No more lies to myself. No more lies to anyone. Most things I do, I do it for Isaac now. There are some things I’ve been doing for myself. I am learning to love myself, for example. I am never going to be ashamed of being a Mormon, never going to feel like the ugliest thing on earth. If that was Jimmy’s goal, well, he failed. I am special. I can do more and be more than Casey Powell. I am going places.

December 25, 2010

This Christmas was a very, super-duper meager Christmas for Isaac and I. He was blessed with fabulous gifts from my family but I had no money to get him anything. But I did spend the day with him Friday and made him pancakes (his favorite food right now) and Jumanji is our Christmas. Jumanji is our puppy dog. She is a one year old Chihuahua-Dachshund mix and is my companion when Isaac goes to visit his dad. She’s housebroken but has accidents when she is overly excited. I got her in November and we’ve been enjoying having her here. She is timid but playful. Quiet but super loving. We spent Christmas eve at my mom and dad’s, exchanging gifts.

January 9, 2011

Well a new year has rolled in and I am more than ready for a new beginning. I’ve given up all hope of putting the family back together. It’s as put together as it can be for now. If Jimmy were to come back and ask for a second chance, I’d try it…but I highly doubt that ever happening. By the time Jimmy would even have second thoughts and a morsel of regret, I think it’d be too late. When he comes to pick up Isaac, I can feel I still care for him a great deal. But I’m guarded and distant, just as he is with me, I’m sure. The anger, while it’s still there, isn’t as deep nor as strong. I still can’t believe he walked out on me like this and threw away everything we had together in just one swoop, but in a way, I’m glad he did it now instead of going through 20 years with him. There are lessons to be learned. I can’t be mad at him forever. What good would that do me? I can’t keep whining about the things I’ve had to go through, the things Isaac has had to deal with, or even what he’s is up to nowadays. It’s all for a reason, and I’m just going to have to be resilient and move forward with faith in Heavenly Father. It is Heavenly Father that I need to rely on in my life. I lost focus and here I am, rebuked and humbled. Went through fire and suffered quite a bit. But who am I to get lost in my woes and troubles when innocent children suffer all over the world? I’m an adult and most of the things I’m suffering, I kind of brought on myself by my choices and my actions. I have no one to blame and no one to point fingers at. What Jimmy did was wrong, but no reason to sulk and moan about someone else’s decision. I can only be responsible for my own decisions. And right now, my decision is to never quit anything. Never give up. 

Heavenly Father is always blessing my son and Isaac is very special. I love him dearly and I pray every day that I do right by him if no one else. He truly is my miracle baby. And I see his innocence and the stress we’ve brought upon that innocence and just want to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. The world is cruel and merciless but I see a resilience in Isaac. He is a survivor. An explorer. And is so intelligent. Never give up, Isaac. Reach for the stars. To infinity and beyond, my boy.