It is said the pain will come in waves....big, small, mediocre ones. Regardless, pain is pain. If this pain means I get to know a happier, stronger me, then so be it. If sleepless nights means the fruits of my mind shall manifest itself, then so be it. If this exhaustion and wear on my heart, mind, and soul means I will be whole once again, knowing all the joys and glory of enduring, then so be it. If it means I can understand one person and can make a difference in one person's life, then so be it. My resolve hasn't been the best as of late, and I've been struggling to remain a nice person and leave behind the inevitable bitterness. Today, my heart has been weary, crying, giving way to hopelessness and despair. Actually, I believe I've been feeling this way for a very long time. It is the undercurrent that clings to the corners of my subconscious. I've been busying myself doing absolutely nothing. And as a result, NOTHING is happening for my heart. And then something like Aunt Flo decides to creep up on me, and it all comes tumbling, walls come crashing. And my heart is left open to all the debris and aftermath of the hurricane that's been my life as of late.
Honestly, I have nothing to complain about except the pain. I guess, since I've been so busy, trying to get through all this shizznet, that as it all finally settles...I have time now to FEEL the effects of someone else's choices. Yes, I know I was probably too good for him and way too brilliant for such a dull person; but I, Sabrina, the ever intense, emotional Sabrina, after giving every part of me to one person for nine years...well, I feel CHEATED. It's kind of the same feeling I have with Dallace. Who said they could check out this early in the game? Friggin Libras! Well, boys, find your balance somewhere else...it's time I tipped my own scales on my own account.
I can do this!!! Let it come. Let it come in waves. Let it come in endless tides of frothing, scalding water. Let it beat me to the edge. Judge me, discourage me, laugh at me in ridicule, poison the air around me, wrap your claws around my neck, pull me down into darkness, overcome my body, snip at my heels with your gnawing, hungry teeth, burn me to a crisp. So be it but I am Messenghi. I am the face of will power. I am the definition of endurance. I know that on the other side of this dark world, is a land that stretches in eternity with happiness and sweet, blissful peace. Today I'm bent in tears, tomorrow those tears will have washed my feet in preparation for this walk, this path I travel and I alone travel it. No one else on earth today can take these same steps, no one can know the extent of my travels, the pains I've suffered except the one chosen to bear it all for ALL of us. SO BE IT!!
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