Endure

It isn't easy, and people tell me it gets harder and worse before it gets better. But I'm pushing through. I'm doing my best to stay positive. Staying positive is hard at times...but having Isaac in my life forces me to try more than my natural being and tendencies allow. I make the best of what I have and just thank my Father in Heaven that I have the love of Isaac which, I'm finding, is the most unconditional and probably the closest to God's love in my life...like literally, for reals for reals. Like a co-worker was telling me, they love you when you're gassy, they love you when you're pretty, they love you when you look like crap, they love you regardless. And isn't that the kind of love we all look for anyway? So I don't need Jimmy for that. In a way, he gave me that exact love by giving Isaac to me and I can be grateful for that for the rest of my life.

I've learned that forgiveness is a process. And it might be a very long, tiresome, confusing process. But who am I not to forgive when I stand in need of forgiveness for a lot of things. I've got a lot of anger. So very much anger. But what keeps it at bay, is that I have too much to be thankful for as well. Pride goeth before a fall...I've already fallen, I don't want to fall much further.

I'm learning to love myself. More and more. Not in that vain, self-boasting way. But just to know I'm good enough, smart enough and more than capable of fulfilling my destiny no matter what obstacles. I can stand up. I'm strong enough and bold enough to never give up on me. I can endure. And if I fail at most things in life, I will be able to say I never gave up on ANYTHING or ANYONE because I endured.

Jesus died because I was good enough. I'm gonna go ahead and trust Him on that one. =)

Angry...Cuz I'm only HUMAN!

Like I've said before: There is no "rationalizing" an affair. Plain and simple, it's betrayal. Everything else that came before and in between has no relevance period. You knew who I was, what I was, and how I was from the beginning. YOU stopped trying when all you ever promised me from the beginning was that you would never stop trying and never give up on me. BIG FAT, BOLD-FACED lie. My bad for not realizing that sooner than later. You knew about my personal issues and said you would love me despite it. You said you would fight for me no matter what. And now all of a sudden, you can't do it anymore because I've grown worse. Your actions now prove that nothing you promised me was that serious. Whether you are lost or not, whether you love the "other one" or not, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is the boy, and you are blatantly avoiding it. You don't want to be "obliged" to take care of him. You want to support him when you want to. That is UNACCEPTABLE. When we were married you had no choice but to support him; us NOT being married doesn't change that, fool. And you will be obliged to do it, and it will come out of your pay check every month. Don't be a dead beat, dad...be the awesome dad you always bragged you were. Don't make excuses. And don't use my imperfections to excuse your idiotic behavior towards your son, either. Protect the other woman all you want, but understand, I am protecting the most precious, the most important thing we have together and that is our son. That other woman can shit in your hands and you can eat, I don't care. But you will NOT shit in my son's hands and expect him to eat it. He deserves more than that. And if you're not willing to give him that, then stay out until you're ready to step up to the plate. 

Yes, I'm angry. I've been nice this whole time (and hell yeah I have been nice-and how stupid of me AGAIN), and all you can do is call me a bitch. SO BE IT. And you will be sorry you asked for the bitch to come out. I tried to negotiate through the attorney generals office to save you money. I found a cheaper lawyer. and was willing to negotiate that way, too. Now I'm going to have to just forget you and really FIGHT for and on behalf of my son. Whether you come through or not does not matter though, because in the end, I will feel better knowing I fought a good fight without being a total idiot. If you thought I was a bitch before, wait until you see my lawyer and I together. AND I KNOW, she is far far worse than I've ever been...and YOU WILL SEE. If the real you ever comes out, that version of you will finally see how totally wrong you are. And this time, baby, I'll be BULLETPROOF. And don't you put me down. 

A few things before I snooze

Lots of good things happening in my life. I finally found a lil cute, one bedroom town-home large enough to accommodate Isaac and me. I have the keys but I'm taking this move nice and slow so as to make sure I pack everything I need, take everything that belongs to me, and to make sure I don't leave behind anything for Isaac. Work is excellent. There are rough days but knowing I am independent makes the work worth it in the end. And there are a lot of opportunities and benefits with this company, so I feel secure in my position and our future. I finally purchased an android, cool-as-hec cell phone with all the bells and whistles and thankfully with the discount from this fabulous company I work for, I am able to afford the two year plan and perks of a great phone. I am surrounded by good, funny, wonderful people, and it makes the rough road a little bit smoother and definitely much more bearable. I'm finally able to eat normally and actually taste what I put in my mouth. I've been getting more sleep as well and slowly Heavenly Father soothes my soul with all His blessings and all His reassurances in my life. I'm beginning to understand that, despite our disagreements and differences in opinion, my mother really does believe I'm worth more than the spec of dust others treat me like, and nothing hurt her more than to see her own, strong, resilient daughter degrade herself in a way that, even though seemingly minuscule in the eyes of any other person, was abhorrent and wrong in a mother's eyes.  I get it. And I'm grateful my mother never gave up on me. And I know her prayers are ever more earnest in these, my winter, days.

I haven't fully forgiven Jimmy yet, but I know I'm closer to forgiving him than he is with forgiving me. But more importantly, I'm learning to forgive me. I did my very best and that is all I can do and the most I can be proud of as far as my marriage goes. My son is my light. If there is one thing I did absolutely right, it was to have Isaac. He amazes me more than anyone else. Looking at him is like looking at my miracle. He is my saving Grace from God and he holds the tenderest part of my heart. Loving him is the easiest, most natural thing for me. He is my darling boy, and I will fight for him. I would give my life and my own breathe for this superbly special lil man. I work for him. I would build castles in the air for him. There is no one I love more than Isaac next to God. O my Father, I am forever grateful to Thee for Isaac Anthony Coy.

And with that thought, I've been looking at things to do with Isaac. San Antonio Zoo, Witte museum has free Tuesdays and then a sister at church mentioned this event:
Isaac would love this! So I'm planning to take him!
And I got so excited because Isaac LOVES trains. He loves Thomas and he loves Chuggington! So making plans now, saving up some money, and planning to take my special lil man and I just know he'll drink it up and be thrilled! A train ride! How awesome! I think I'm friggin excited too! lol